The Acorn Times

New residential area for Field Mice

A newly developed area is to be handed over almost entirely to a growing contingent of Field Mice.

A spokesman for the local residential rabbits said they were pleased at the prospect.

‘To be frank, there were concerns that the area would become overrun with foxes and weasels,’ he said today, ‘so this news has come as a welcome surprise.’

The first accommodation to be allocated was attended with great ceremony, after a formal exchange of acorns, the new owners proudly kicked down the door, followed by a stampede of mice.

‘Don’t worry,’ the owner was heard to cry out as others rushed to his rescue. ‘They’re relatives of mine.’

Meanwhile, a petition is being signed by night and barn owls, to kindly keep the noise down. Noise pollution has been developing into quite an issue, (cont. page 3)

SCANDAL AT TOAD HALL

Ears were raised and eyebrows quivered as the news spread yesterday through the Undergrowth : Miss Evadne  Squarebrush, one of the maids employed at Toad Hall, has eloped with the assistant gardener, Mr Thomas Fat-tails. Miss Evadne, who recently achieved something of local celebrity status after winning the Miss Squirrel Award, was last seen hanging out the washing in the back courtyard two days ago.

‘A pity she had to hang it out in public in the first place,’ quipped one of the locals, shocked by the apparent dereliction of duty. The couple are said to have set up home on the outer edge of the Wild Wood, where it is believed they have family.

Comment from Toad Hall, on behalf of Mr Toad (who had not yet woken up), came through the medium of Mr WaterRat :  ‘It is very unlikely that Mr Toad will even notice their disappearance – as long as he doesn’t need the secateurs in a hurry.’

A later announcement came in the afternoon to the effect that Mr Toad was now up and about, and planning another party, to which he plans to invite the whole community.

Fishing Rights on the Table :

A meeting is to be held later this week between the otters and the beavers on fishing rights. The presiding chairman will be Mr Badger; other items on the agenda are to include : a fishing competition, an outdoor picnic, and the approval of a new fly design.

 PERSONAL :

WANTED : Burrow, moderately clean, no squatters.

WANTED URGENTLY : Magpie for collective treasure hunt: must be able to identify silver at a distance of 200 meters.

 SINGLE Male Squirrel is looking for single female squirrel with own burrow. Has own supply of acorns.

 WANTED : Maid, with experience, for short term employment, with possibility of long-term contract. No followers, please. Apply to the Housekeeper at Toad Hall for details.

WE ARE LOOKING FOR dynamic, quick-witted, active weasels and stoats to join our growing team of surveyors; must be willing to work with others. Apply to : 7 Oak Trunk, Glade 14, nr Turnstile.

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR a new focus to your life ? Tired of routine ? Got a few hours to spare every week, plus the odd weekend?  Then why not pop along to the Hedgehogs Drama Society, acting, dancing, singing, aet design, costumes, something for everyone, TONIGHT!

Lost : A set of acorn cups, engraved XII Squeak, with silver handles. If found, please return to 21 Oak Avenue, 3rd bell pull on the right. A small reward is offered.

Found : A muffler, possibly dormouse-size, pale blue. Come to Rabbits’ Close, Lower Acorn Avenue.

Personal :

Tipsy misses Wopsy. Make my day. Same time, same place.

Entertainment :

This week’s schedule at the Beech Tree Threatre.

Don’t miss the latest episode in the Firkin Saga – will Milly leave Ted ? Will there be trouble at mill for Ogle Bart Fox when he returns home drunk – again ? Who has the key to the old cupboard in Mrs Tillywink’s laundry room – and why ?

All this and more in this action-packed family saga by Gerald Whiskers- (Review of last week’s episode on page 14)

Ballet comes to the Beech Tree : a long-term project to bring ballet to the Wild Wood has been approved; the FrogsinTutus Company will be performing extracts from Swan Lake and Carnival des Animaux to the accompaniment of the North and South Wood Orchestra.

p.14 The Firkin Saga : review by Timothy FitzHare

Yet another foray into the misdoings and travails of the Firkin family and community by that indefatigable holder of the quill, G.Whiskers.

Will he ever let up, I hear others cry from the back of the audience as the curtain rises on yet another scene of debauched and deranged behaviour as perceived by the author, whose outlook on the world is from a purely owlish perspective. And answer came there none, I reply despondently. To all intents and purposes, G.Whiskers and his kind are here to stay, if the present rate of attendance in the stalls is anything to go by.

True, there are still elements of comedy, as evinced by the scene at Mrs Tillywink’s with the broken kettle and the badgers’ wellies , and again when the local plumbing is accidentally left in the paws of the moles, with inevitable results. But, one asks, is this the best that can be done ? Has existentialist surrealism perhaps run its full gamut ? There are various interludes amidst the chaos. Two drunken weasels sit on piles of old socks, endlessly recounting the trials of life in the retail business, and yet, one wonders, as Mr Robin Stibbles staggers about  in search of an empty nest to exploit in his next development project, whether or not this is real theatre.

 Sniffily, Fitz-Hare, peeved.

High Antics at Sparkler’s Club

Swinging from the chandeliers. Corks hitting the ceiling. Several waiters thrown out.

‘It’s true things got a little out of hand,’ admits Club manager (cont. on page 10)

Article of the Week : Detective Retires

News of local detective ‘Mouse’ Fields’ retirement has spread through the undergrowth; after a lifetimes dedicated to the recovery of lost acorns and mislaid twigs, Detective Fields has decided to hang up his galoshes and deerstalker. His name was made with the solving of  the Three Blind Mice Case, followed by the business of the Mislaid Hedgehog.

Future plans of the super-sleuth fieldmouse ? He has decided to sit down and write his memoirs. Publishing houses are already flocking around him for deals. The Stork House has great distribution, but SwallowPress Ltd has the wider international portfolio.

(Next : concern expressed by those rumoured to be featured in the memoirs . . .)

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